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Sunday, April 11, 2010

....farts

Many many years ago, before I had children, I found a book in the prestigious area of Kansas City called "The Plaza". It is a beautiful, breathtaking part of Kansas City. In the middle of this huge square of beautiful stores (expensive stores!) was a "Nature" store. In this store, you could find Canon in D with the ocean waves in the background. You could find cool gadgets that imitate the rain forest. You could also find books.

It is here that I found the book "Everyone Poops".

This is a hilarious book... teaching kids that it's OK to poop, and that literally everyone poops. It was a great gag gift for some friends..... Have you read it? I brought up that book because I think they wrote a book called "Everyone Farts", which is what we're going to be talking about today.

I have girls.... not boys. Namely, one would think that girls should be young ladies. I mean, don't most of us excuse ourselves and move to another room to let the gas pass? Isn't it just the icebreaker one needs in a relationship, when you've finally farted in front of your special person?

Well, I have ONE child, who thinks it's hilarious to .... break wind... toot.... or fart (whatever is the special word you use in your family). She laughs hysterically at the noise it makes. She cries and covers her nose when the silent ones are emitted.... and laughs hysterically some more. I mean, the word FART is hilarious in itself! Fart.... I remember Colin Firth saying "I don't give a flying fart....." in one of his movies..... and I, totally in love with Colin Firth, don't really care if that's a bad word in the English society or not, but I do say that phrase here and there in our house. When I'm mad at Mike. It's just so much more cooler to say "I don't give a flying fart".

I remember laughing hysterically at the guys on Blue Collar Comedy... Larry the Cable Guy had a farting machine, and they went shopping. Oh, the looks people gave him when he buzzed that little buzzer were priceless. Some were in complete disdain. Some laughed. I was rolling on the floor with tears coming down my eyes.

Just think of an elevator scene... using one of those farting machines.
Oh, I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face!

Or at work one day when my coworker & friend Angie wrote me an email "Hey... I think ____ just farted!" OK, blew me out of the water b/c it was so unexpected, and I laughed SO hard.

Moving on.... this one child of mine bought this toy. She bought it before, and I finally threw it away. She found it again last night in the $1 Target bin. Flarp. The noise maker. It looks something like this. She found out about this toy from another set of BFF sisters who I never would have suspected to carry this toy.


They did. Maddie found out about it, and this $1 toy has kept her busy for the past 24 hours. Mike said "you would've thought we had boys" every single time they crack up laughing over the noise. ::sigh::

Did you know....
  • the average person farts 14 times in one day?
  • they also produce 1/2 liter of fart gas per day (what in the world is fart gas?)
  • farts are indeed flammable (oh dear... I remember the Dennis the Menace movie)
  • Termites are the top farter, followed by camels
  • farts can come blazing out of your butt at 7 mph!! Whoa!
  • you cannot suffocate in a chamber with your own fart... even if you think you would
  • a person can still fart after they die!!
  • and yes, beans do make you fart more, so apply the beano!
For this next set of pictures, let me set up the scene. Big sister is pushing little sister on the tire. Little sister wants off. Somehow.... little sister manages to let one go, and further irritates big sister who by now knows it's not nice to do something like this in public, and around people! I managed to snap right when big sister said "MOOOOMMMM! She just FARTED!" As you can see, little sister is in hysterical laughter, tears rolling down her eyes.

Obviously, I have work to do... teaching said child to be a young lady. Or not. I mean, some guy is gonna love the fact she loves farts. Just don't blame her for farting when she didn't actually do it. She'll burst into tears. Trust me on that one.

4 comments:

  1. I am beyond immature, but farts are funny to me. I know it's natural, but when someone toots I am dying inside because I want to laugh so bad. My FIL is a serial farter. He will fart anywhere and act like NOTHING HAPPENED! Maddie and I definitely have that in common, except I refuse to admit that I have ever passed gas. :D

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  2. MY boys would so enjoy Flarp.

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  3. Can't pass a blog titled "fart"! Loved the facts. I was raised with 3 older brothers and can break wind with the best of them, but I was also tormented a lot by their farts (while sitting on my face) and by them laughing at me for farting. So in my house we simply say "excuse me" and pay no more attention to it. Abby has tried to find funnies in farting (and she'll never know how much I laugh inside), but I also say, "We say excuse me when we do that." I even say them with her SBDs.

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